The rules and regulations of Primary School Footy.

Duration
Matches shall be played over three unequal  periods: two playtimes and a
lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin  shortly after the ringing of
a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards  the end of these
periods,
play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards,  depending on the
nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to  corporal
punishment met out to latecomers back to the classroom. In practice  there
is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in line as
soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on
until  the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of
their gins and  journey from the staffroom, known as "chancers", and
finally to those who will  hang on until a teacher actually has to
physically retrieve them, known as  "bampots". This sliding scale is
intended to radically alter the logistics of a  match in progress, often
having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number  of remaining
participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the  sides, to
achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and bampots in order that  the
scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play - a lunchtime, for
instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught
of
five  bampots against one. The scoreline to be carried over from the
previous period  of the match is in the trust of the last bampots to leave
the field of play, and  may be the matter of some debate. This must be
resolved in one of the approved  manners (see Adjudication).

Parameters
The object  is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of
jackets, in lieu of  goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout
the match, depending on the  number of participants and the prevailing
weather. As the number of players  increases, so shall the piles. Each
jacket added to the pile by a new addition  to a side should be placed on
the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing  the target area. It is
also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets  should jut out
across
the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball  went "over the
post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched  sleeve
denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post.
The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of
any
respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with
resourcefulness and imagination.
In the absence of a crossbar, the upper  limit of the target area is
observed as being slightly above head height,  although when the height at
which a ball passed between the jackets is in  dispute, judgement shall
lie
with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the  sides. He is known as the
"best fighter"; his decision is final and may be  enforced with physical
violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.
There are  no pitch markings. Instead, physical objects denote the
boundaries, ranging from  the most common - walls and buildings - to roads
or burns. Corners and throw-ins  are redundant where bylines or touchlines
are denoted by a two-storey building  or a six-foot granite wall. Instead,
a scrum should be instigated to decide  possession. This should begin with
the ball trapped between the brickwork and  two opposing players, and
should escalate to include as many team members as can  get there before
the now egg-shaped ball finally emerges, drunkenly and often  with a
dismembered foot and shin attached. At this point, goalkeepers should
look
out for the player who takes possession of the escaped ball and begins
bearing down on goal, as most of those involved in the scrum will be
unaware  that the ball is no longer amidst their feet. The goalkeeper
should also try not  to be distracted by the inevitable fighting that has
by this point broken  out.
In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously
denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence
of
roads, water hazards or "a big dug", the width is determined by how far
out
the  attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed
up and  lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are
waiting, often as  far as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed
that
the playing area is  "no' a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally
to justify placing a wall  of players eighteen inches from the ball at
direct free kicks It is the formal  response to "yards", which the
kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places  the ball.

The  Ball
There is a variety of  types of ball approved for Primary School Football.
I shall describe three  notable examples.
1.      The plastic balloon. An extremely lightweight  model, used
primarily in
the early part of the season and seldom after that due  to having burst.
Identifiable by blue pentagonal panelling and the names of that  year's
Premier League sides printed all over it. Advantages: low sting factor,
low burst-nose probability, cheap, discourages a long-ball game.
Disadvantages:  over-susceptible to influence of the wind, difficult to
control, almost  magnetically drawn to flat school roofs whence never to
return.
2.      The  rough-finish Mitre. Half football, half Portuguese Man o'
War. On
the verge  of a ban in the European Court of Human Rights, this model is
not for sale to  children. Used exclusively by teachers during gym classes
as a kind of aversion  therapy. Made from highly durable fibre-glass,
stuffed with neutron star and  coated with dead jellyfish. Advantages:
looks quite grown up, makes for  high-scoring matches (keepers won't even
attempt to catch it). Disadvantages:  scars or maims anything it touches.
3.      The "Tubey". Genuine leather  ball, identifiable by brown all-over
colouring. Was once black and white, before  ravages of games on concrete,
but owners can never remember when. Adored by  everybody, especially
keepers. Advantages: feels good, easily controlled, makes  a satisfying
"whump" noise when you kick it. Disadvantages: turns into medicine  ball
when wet, smells like a dead dog.

Offside
There is no offside, for two reasons: one, "it's no' a full-size  pitch",
and two, none of the players actually know what offside is. The lack of
an
offside rule gives rise to a unique sub-division of strikers. These
players
hang around the opposing goalmouth while play carries on at the other end,
awaiting a long pass forward out of defence which they can help past the
keeper  before running the entire length of the pitch with their arms in
the air to  greet utterly imaginary adulation. These are known variously
as
"poachers",  "gloryhunters" and "fly wee bastarts". These players display
a
remarkable degree  of self-security, seemingly happy in their own
appraisals of their achievements,  and caring little for their team-mates'
failure to appreciate the contribution  they have made. They know that it
can be for nothing other than their enviable  goal tallies that they are
so
bitterly despised.

Adjudication
The absence of a referee means that disputes  must be resolved between the
opposing teams rather than decided by an arbiter.  There are two accepted
ways of doing this.
1.      Compromise. An arrangement is devised that is found acceptable by
both
sides. Sway  is usually given to an action that is in accordance with the
spirit of  competition, ensuring that the game does not turn into "a pure
skoosh". For  example, in the event of a dispute as to whether the ball in
fact crossed the  line, or whether the ball has gone inside or "over" the
post, the attacking side  may offer the ultimatum: "Penalty or goal." It
is
not recorded whether any side  has ever opted for the latter. It is on
occasions that such arrangements or  ultimata do not prove acceptable to
both sides that the second adjudicatory  method comes into play.
2.      Fighting. Those up on  their ancient Hellenic politics will
understand
that the concept we know as  "justice" rests in these circumstances with
the hand of the strong. What the  winner says, goes, and what the winner
says is just, for who shall dispute him?  It is by such noble
philosophical
principles that the supreme adjudicator, or  Best Fighter, is effectively
elected.

Team Selection
To ensure a fair and balanced contest, teams are  selected democratically
in a turns-about picking process, with either side  beginning as a one-man
selection committee and growing from there. The initial  selectors are
usually the recognised two Best Players of the assembled group.  Their
first selections will be the two recognised Best Fighters, to ensure a
fair balance in the adjudication process, and to ensure that they don't
have  their own performances impaired throughout the match by profusely
bleeding  noses. They will then proceed to pick team-mates in a roughly
meritocratic  order, selecting on grounds of skill and tactical awareness,
but not forgetting  that while there is a sliding scale of players'
ability, there is also a sliding  scale of players' brutality and
propensities towards motiveless violence. A  selecting captain might
baffle
a talented striker by picking the less nimble Big  Jazza ahead of him, and
may explain, perhaps in the words of Linden B Johnson  upon his retention
of J Edgar Hoover as the head of the FBI, that he'd "rather  have him
inside the tent pi$sing out, than outside the tent pi$sing  in".
Special consideration is also given during the selection process to the
owner of the ball. It is tacitly acknowledged to be "his gemme", and he
must be  shown a degree of politeness for fear that he takes the huff at
being picked  late and withdraws his favours.
Another aspect of team selection that may  confuse those only familiar
with
the game at senior level will be the choice of  goalkeepers, who will
inevitably be the last players to be picked. Unlike in the  senior game,
where the goalkeeper is often the tallest member of his team, in  the
playground, the goalkeeper is usually the smallest. Senior aficionados
must
appreciate that playground selectors have a different agenda and are
looking for  altogether different properties in a goalkeeper. These can be
listed briefly as:  compliance, poor fighting ability, meekness, fear and
anything else that makes  it easier for their team-mates to banish the wee
bugger between the sticks while  they go off in search of personal glory
up
the other end.

Tactics
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team
formation.
Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance -  from
among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the
playground
side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17
formation.
This  formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow
and  territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a
renowned and  strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2
formation is sometimes  referred to in practice as "Cattenaccio", the
1-1-17 formation gives rise to a  style of play that is best described as
"Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the  participants (see also Offside)
migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to  another, following the
ball, and it is tactically vital that every last one of  them remains
within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.

Stoppages
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to  injured players
requiring
treatment on the field of play. The playground game  flows freer having
adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no  free-kick", and
play will continue around and even on top of a participant who  has fallen
in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is
nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed
below.
Ball on school roof or  over school wall. The retrieval  time itself is
negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the  argument
to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to  scale
the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to
play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the
ball and  any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into
forbidden  territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged
responsible for  such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in
his stead or the game  may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled
to
observe that A: "Ye canny  make me"; or B: "It's no' ma baw anyway".
Stray dog on pitch. An interruption of unpredictable duration. The dog
does not have to make off with the ball, it merely has to run around
barking  loudly, snarling and occasionally drooling or foaming at the
mouth. This will  ensure a dramatic reduction in the number of playing
staff as 27 of them  simultaneously volunteer to go indoors and inform the
teacher of the threat. The  length of the interruption can sometimes be
gauged by the breed of dog. A  deranged Irish Setter could take ten
minutes
to tire itself of running in  circles, for instance, while a Jack Russell
may take up to fifteen minutes to  corner and force out through the gates.
An Alsatian means instant  abandonment.
Bigger boys steal  ball. A highly irritating  interruption, the length of
which is determined by the players' experience in  dealing with this sort
of thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the  ball, but will
improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally  inviting
the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking
bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of
frustration  and engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the
stoppage  indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players'
older brother is  "Mad Chic Murphy" or some other noted local pugilist can
also ensure minimum  delay.
Menopausal old bag  confiscates ball. More of a  threat in the street or
local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad,  blue-rinsed,
ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the  array
of
failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed  the
heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.
Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to
play  with it properly", but instruction on how to achieve this without
actually  having the bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is
required in these  circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems
highly unlikely, as  further irritation of woman may result in the more
serious  stoppage:
Menopausal old bag  calls police.

Celebration
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their
hands in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed
terraces.  Congratulation by team-mates is in the measure appropriate to
the importance of  the goal in view of the current scoreline (for
instance,
making it 34-12 does  not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make
the sign of the cross), and  the extent of the scorer's contribution. A
fabulous solo dismantling of the  defence or 25-yard* rocket shot will
elicit applause and back-pats from the  entire team and the more
magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the  midst of a chaotic
scramble will be heralded with the epithet "poachin' wee  bastart" from
the
opposing defence amidst mild acknowledgment from team-mates.  Applying an
unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal  will
elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the
ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit
a
thoroughly deserved kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be stressed
that  any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with universal
acclaim, even if  it falls into any of the latter three categories.
*Actually eight yards, but  calculated as relative distance because "it's
no' a full-size  pitch".

Penalties
At senior  level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who
will
defer to a  team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one
more for a  hat-trick. The playground side has two appointed
penalty-takers: the Best Player  and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is
simple: the Best Player takes the  penalties when his side is a
retrievable
margin behind, and the Best Fighter at  all other times. If the side is
comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be  invited to take a penalty.
Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary  substitutions at
penalties,
forced to give up their position to the Best Player  or Best Fighter, who
recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving  one of these
kicks, and are buggered if Wee Titch is going to steal any of  it.

Close  Season
This is known also as  the Summer Holidays, which the players usually
spend
dabbling briefly in other  sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon
is on the telly; pitch-and-putt  for four days during the Open; and
cricket
for about an hour and a half until  they discover that it really is as
boring to play as it is to  watch.